you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize