Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
