The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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