I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
