Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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