I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
