be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
