dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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