My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
