So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
