just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
did i just pee glitter
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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