Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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