I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
