we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
