Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
