how can u be prego again
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
