why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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