Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
