plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
