I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
