i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
