just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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