oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
