i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
