He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
