Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
