I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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