My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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