Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
