I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
