Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
