I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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