Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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