I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
