the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i think my cat just said my name.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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