theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
