I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
