new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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