apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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