Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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