you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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