got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
