Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
