weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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