Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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