bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
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The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
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