dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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