I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
