So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
