I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I party with great urgency now.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
