I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
