Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
