I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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