My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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