So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
