I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
