I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
