How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
