omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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