One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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