Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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